Monday, September 28, 2009
Fighting Fair UT Link
Fighting Fair is easier said than done. Read UT's webpage on Fair Fighting and then post for us your own tip on either what to do or what not to do when trying to fight fair. As always give us an example of what has worked for you in the past or a conflict strategy that was a disaster.
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My relationship with my husband has been my number 1 teacher in the art of fighting fair. We have had many ups and downs and surprisingly enough it is he who really helped establish the "fair fighting" we do today. I, when it comes to him, tend to want to hold grudges and not really open up about the real reason I'm upset. I also tend to remember every bad thing he's ever done to me everytime we fight which only adds fuel to my fire. I'm definitely the "silent treatment" girl. Things I've learned from him are to focus on what the real issue is and don't bring up the past, but also (because he can be a bully at times) not to just give in for the sake of not arguing. In the past when I'd voice my reasons for discontent he'd dismiss them as unimportant. It took a while for him to realize that just because he doesn't think they're important doesn't mean they're not valid, and then I was finally able to be more honest and less emotional in our arguments. It has worked for us to this point. :)
ReplyDeleteI have my own opinion of conflict and why it occurs. I also believe that conflict is a matter of choice and that it is destructive and not constructive. Being that I am going to be striving soon to achieve all my business goals. I mostly see conflict as an irritating annoyance! And one that is caused by people themselves. Perhaps I an looking at conflict only through a busines persons eyes, where one tries to minimize everyday destractions in order to succeed in life. But regardless, of how one chooses to handle it, I think conflict usually only arises, "when something is not right in a personal situation or social interaction in the first place." With that said, I believe that you should either try to work it out, or get rid of the source of the conflict altogether!LOL!
ReplyDeleteI think I have more trouble with fighting fair than I think ha ha. With my goal being becoming a lawyer in a few years, I've really attached myself to the mindset of winning. This has not been good in friendship fights. Fights between me and a certain friend has always been about winning. He is an amazing aruguer. lol. Some of our arguements have been bloodbaths towards one another and I think it has really hurt our friendship. I think if you care about the person or if you want to continue to have a decent relationship with the person you should fight fair and try to compromise a little. But if you really don't care, win.
ReplyDeleteIm a pretty nonconfrontational person, don't like fighting, being anrgy or anything that falls under that umbrella I just can't do it anymore. When I do find myself in that kind of situation I just shut down and avoid everything and I saw that not shutting down is one of the ground rules for fair fighting.... maybe thats somethin I should work on :]
ReplyDeleteI hate fighting with my fiancee Melissa I also hate drama. When something is bothering me I let her know right away. I don't want the little things to grow into the big fight that when its over know one knows what it was all about. We do a good job of communicating and talking before we do things so we both are on the same page. This is probably why we don't argue all that much.
ReplyDeletewow i dont even know what kind of fighter i am.. i do it all!! i do accusations, silent treatement at times.. pile up at the thing a person has done in the past... wow i guess ive done it all ok all minus the hitting below the belt one! ...although there was that one time.... ahem nevermind. Well even though i say all of this i am really a non confrontational type of person..like i dont go around picking fights i actually have never been in a (physical) fight with anyone but the person that i would argue a lot with would be my ex! (reason for which he is now my EX... LOL) ANYWHO... i would always argue with him because he was sooo jealous!! and he wouldnt let me explain like at all, i tried explaining to him many different ways why his paranoid /jealous behavior would not work!! but he never really changed so.... i guess sometimes is not about staying calm and communication..sometimes the person arguing NEEDS MENTAL HELP :) REST MY CASE....
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the fighting fair page, I realized that I am definitely the "mad bomber" sort of fighter. If too many things go wrong in a day I just explode, and i didn't realize until just now how awful that is for the other person, my fiancee, Danielle, is definitely good at the whole fighting fair thing, but since i am the one exploding, when she starts fighting back, i start to get defensive. When I get defensive, i start arguing about silly things and we don't get anywhere. Next time we have an argument I am going to try some, if not all, of the steps of fighting fair, and try not to exacerbate the situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm a practicing satyagrahi, so conflict is a tool for enlightenment. It is a moral compass that dictates action when referencing an end. For me it has made a substancial difference in how I view all facets of my life, moreover conflict. The theory of satyagraha sees means and ends as inseparable. The means used to obtain an end are wrapped up in and attached to that end. Therefore, it is contradictory to try to use unjust means to obtain justice or to try to use any form of violence to obtain peace. As Gandhi wrote: “They say, means are, after all, means. I would say,means are, after all,everything. As the means so the end...”
ReplyDeleteGandhi used an example to explain this,
If I want to deprive you of your watch, I shall certainly have to fight for it; if I want to buy your watch, I shall have to pay for it; and if I want a gift, I shall have to plead for it; and, according to the means I employ, the watch is stolen property, my own property, or a donation.
Gandhi rejected the idea that injustice should, or even could, be fought against “by any means necessary” — if you use violent, coercive, unjust means, whatever ends you produce will necessarily embed that injustice. To those who preached violence and called nonviolent actionists cowards, he replied: “I do believe that, where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence....I would rather have India resort to arms in order to defend her honour than that she should, in a cowardly manner, become or remain a helpless witness to her own dishonour....But I believe that nonviolence is infinitely superior to violence, forgiveness is more manly than punishment.” So to be engaged in a fight and not in anhonourable manner would defeat the whole purpose of either of you achieving an apropriate end. Mohandas Ghandi's birthday was just on the 2nd of October! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG GUY!!!
I guess I'm a little bit of a smolderer... but then isn't everyone... who sticks their head in the sand and forgets the bad or unjust things that happen to ya? That would be a crazy thing to do. Fighting fair in itself is a contradiction i think... who fights a war fair? Not winston churchill, not machiavelli, not Ike. In fighting there has to be a winner and a loser, and I think that compromise is the better of the two. Where we all can be happy in the fact that no one is getting what they want and we all can be equally miserable :)
ReplyDeleteJerrie
I am the middle child in my family. Whether that has anything to do with the mediator role I take during family “discussions”, I don’t know. For the most part, I believe I am a fair fighter. Coincidently, I just came back from a family trip from Port Aransas which provided great fodder for analysis. For the first time in 12 years, my mother, two brothers, sister, and I were under one roof for a whole weekend. Oh, the “discussions” that unfolded that weekend. If you’ve noticed my use of the word discussion, it’s because that is exactly what we do: discuss, analyze, deconstruct, and evaluate. Man, what I would give for an all out unfair fight! Lol, all kidding aside, this vacation did remind me of one tip of fighting fair. Some people, maybe even most people, just want to feel that they are being heard. You don’t need to necessarily agree with what they said; they just need you to reiterate what they told you. Sometimes I would try to give my perspective on how I would handle “their” situation; hoping that if they saw it from a different perspective they would have a better understanding of their problem. However, that approach can sometimes have an opposite effect. It can make them feel that you invalidated their opinion or that you did not fully understand what they said. So though fighting fair can be a tiring and exhausting exercise, it can really provide you with insight you might not have obtained otherwise.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I am not a fair fighter at all. I do pretty much all of the things you're not supposed to do.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's hard to stop and calm down.
If I can't get my point across, I just get more
aggressive until I'm heard.